Welcome to the weekly Super Hero Comic Book TV Power Rankings! In which every week I discuss and rank the weeks Super Hero TV shows. This means shows like Flash, Arrow, Agents of Shield, Constantine and Gotham. Sorry Walking Dead fans but there are no Super Power elements in your show. Please feel free to comment and yell at me for what I did wrong or how off base I was with my rankings. I’ll see you in the comments
Warning: Here be Spoilers
Ya know, for an episode named after the guy, we don’t actually see all that much of Harvey Dent in this weeks Gotham. The plot instead decides to focus on Bruce Wayne’s awkward pre-teen boner for Selina “Cat” Kyle, which is fine I guess? See, Selina is an eye witness to the murderer of Thomas and Martha Wayne so she needs to be in protective custody, seeing as Jim doesn’t trust his fellow cops he convinces Alfred and Bruce to let her stay in the mansion until they can bring this to court. Bruce is all down because Selina is a girl and he’s getting to that point where girls terrify and intrigue him. Alfred, you know, the adult isn’t exactly sold on the idea but since he is little more than a man slave to Bruce he obliges. What’s weird is that shouldn’t Alfred be appointed legal guardianship of Bruce? And by proxy shouldn’t that make Alfred in charge? What irks me about the whole situation is that Bruce is not afraid to pull rank on Alfred and remind him who’s REALLY in charge. So I guess credit to David Mazouz who manages to make him not seem nearly as insufferable as he is acting, but still. Dick move Bruce.
Somehow the plot feels the absolute NEED to shove more Batman villains down our throats we are introduced to Nicholas D’Agosto’s take on Harvey Dent which personally, I feel he misses the mark. Not Tommy Lee Jones bad but it’s still not great. He plays Dent like a normal person who becomes CARTOONISHLY EVIL looking when he gets mad. I literally had to pause the video and finish laughing before I could take him seriously. When he contorts his face to look angry his eyes stay bug eyed and he just looks silly. He’s like that nerdy quiet kid that finally lost his sh!t in high school. Only he just lets out a high pitched shrill and then gets pushed over and cries. Sorry weird kid. The director of this episode must have also forgot to look up what “subtle” meant in the dictionary because they felt the need to light Harvey in a way that darkens half his face. Once is enough but they try to do this in basically every scene that he’s in. It’s embarrassing. Dent is also a pretty Sh!tty prosecuter because he hatches the worst plan ever to try to intimidate Dick Lovecraft into admitting some sort of guilt by association with the Wayne murders. How he does this? By telling him that he knows someboy who knows somebody who saw a guy kill the Waynes. Lovecrafts laughs at him and Dent BLOWS UP on the guy where we are treated to ole bug eyes. If you don’t know who Dick Lovecraft is in the show, don’t feel bad. I have no idea either.
Also there was some plot about a crazy bomber who gets forced into working for one of the gangs and Gordon and Bullock team up tozzzZZZZZZZzzzz…..
The episode ends on a SPICY reveal that Barbara left Gordon only for a few days to get her head on straight. Well it looks like she never left town and is too busy have SEXY TIMES with Montoya. The women in this show are pretty awful.
Harvey Dent is a 35 year old nerd who is going to be like 50 when Batman shows up in this universe. This episode sucked
Draw Back Your Bow
This is going to sound weird but, this is the most “CW” That Arrow has been in a while or maybe ever. This was about as cornball relationship heavy as the show has ever been and with that, shines light on the plots that are working and the ones that aren’t (hint: not many are working)
Relationship 1: Felicity and Oliver
These two have that great chemistry which is what made fans love Felicity and the idea of these two getting together in the first place. Obviously the writers can’t make it easy on the viewers or the characters so more and more road blocks get placed in front of them in classic “Will they? Won’t they?” drama. The last few episodes put this on ice and basically ignored it until now where I welcomed it with open arms. Add in Ray Palmer and you have yourself a good old fashioned love triangle.
Relationship 2: Felicity and Ray Palmer
Clearly added into the show to spice things up plot-wise, hero (villain?) count, and drama. Ray has been a welcome addition. He flirts with Felicity in that not creepy way (see: Flash and Iris) and is kind of quirky and has the presence to really challenge Oliver to win over both Starling City and Felicity. He also adds to my theory that people in this show only know how to shoot arrows or use the Salmon Ladder.
Relationshup 3: Roy and Thea
Basically nonexistant and says alot about Roy as a character. His only purpose was to be a love interest for Thea. He’s much better at that than he is at being Ollie’s partner. Without Thea he is kind of boring. Him and Ollie don’t really mesh all that well on screen because they act like friends where we never really saw them become that on the show. All of that happened between seasons and it’s hard to invest in a character like that. Also Thea hooked up with a guy who had a straight up crustache here. Negative points all around.
Relationship 4: Laurel and Nobody
Laurel is another character who only existed to be a love interest and discarded when the plot demanded it. She had been flailing ever sense. Yes she’s somewhat on track now and set to be the new Canary but it says something when your main love interest isn’t even in the episode about relationships. Especially when she is in a budding one herself.
Audrey Marie Anderson Amy Gumenick plays Lyla Michaels Carrie Cutter who is essentially “Cupid” here. Shes crazy for Arrow but her role is more to highlight the other romances in the show. So good job I guess?
This was like the Dancing Demon episode of Buffy but instead of being an Emmy winning episode that innovated the story telling medium. It just highlighted how off track this season has been so far.
The Flash is Born
This week Flash either has some deep cuts or phones it in villain wise with Girder who is the most blatant rip off of Colossus I think I have ever seen. The power set is exactly the same, except ones a Russian farmer and the other is a New Jersey stereotype. What we find out over the course of the episode is that Tony Woodward used to bully Barry back in elementary school and he gained metal powers after falling into a smelting pit. Kind of like a Guido Joker. The reason I call him Girder is because that’s what the internet calls him. This guy isn’t even cool enough for Cisco to give him a terrible name. After some shenanagins Tony kidnaps Iris due to her blog (more on that later) and he takes her back to their… Elementary school? I know Tony is sort of dumb and one note but why there? Did he seriously flunk out there instead of Highschool? If they were trying to avoid cliches like the “guy who peaked in highschool” then I think somebody should show them that they failed about minute 1 of this episode. What really sucks is we get one of The Flash’s most iconic fight moments with a loser like Girder instead of pretty much any other character. To top it all off after defeating Tony and locking him up in their metahuman prison. Barry goes off and REVEALS HIS SECRET IDENTITY to his childhood bully in a total “F U” to both Tony and the viewers. Why on earth would he do that except to just rub it in is beyond me. Caitlyn and Cisco are all about it as well which drives me up a wall that nobody in that group thought that MAYBE it would be a bad idea. I get that they are trying to pull off Barry as an amateur to this kind of thing but revealing your identity to a villain is such a basic mistake that it hurts my brain to think about.
So after all that it shouldn’t be shocking that I enjoyed the other non-super hero bits much more. There’s still creep-O Barry flirting with Iris in his Flash Costume and she just WON’T stop writing about him even after the events of the episode. Which is really just turning me off to the character as a whole. I will refuse to feel bad for a person when eventually something terrible happens to her when it will end up being all her fault. Eddie Thawne shoots up my personal list of characters I actually don’t mind when he and Barry actually spend some time together and we realize that he’s not really that big of a douchebag. Sure he looks like a goon but so far he seems legit and not the fake legit like a certain wheelchair bound doctor.
Speaking of Dr. Welles, he and Joe West have a “The adults are fighting” moment where they are clearly the only two people on the show that show any maturity and the dynamic between the two is fun. Welles is naturally shady and Joe West is naturally great at everything including sniffing out shady characters like the good Doctor. He starts asking Harrison about his past and about the death of Barry’s father and to him everything doesn’t quite add up. Welles manages to throw Joe off his trail for a little bit but we all know Joe West won’t be fooled for long.
As much as I love Joe West, Barry Allen’s complete idiotic behavior ruins this episode for me.
Agents of SHIELD
The Things We Bury
The slow burn burns ever slowly in ‘The Things We Bury”. Agents doesn’t mind taking it’s time with the overarching plot here and overall I approve but it’s really made these past 2-3 episodes feel like the same one on repeat.
Here, we get the backstory of Daniel Whitehall, who has been in charge of Hydra over in the states. Not only do we get this, but we also get some more 1945 Peggy Carter action which is smart considering her own show starts in January. I get that he’s the de facto ‘big bad’ of the season but I didn’t feel like I needed to know this much about the character. He’s a bad guy and his back story tells us that he’s always been a bad guy. It was interesting but I think too much time went into this episode, especially with the amount of plots the show is juggling at the time.
Maybe I’m biased because I JUST finished Twin Peaks over the weekend but Kyle Maclachlan character known only as ‘The Doctor’ is growing on me. He has that crazed glint in his eye that tells you he knows far more than he is telling but he’s also pretty crazy himself. The highlight was him and Coulson meeting for the first time and it makes me hope that he’ll be sticking around for longer than just the season.
Ward and his stupid well story shows up again but pretty much wraps everything up nice and neat. He confronts his older brother about their childhood and honestly had me doubting who was telling the truth, soley due to the fact that both characters are shitty people. What was great though, is that we now have a true idea of who Ward is and there’s really no turning back for him.
It’s no surprise that we got around to the actual SHIELD team now because of all the plots this is the biggest and most lumbering. I am genuinely interested in the lost city they are searching for (Attilan) and all roads are leading us to a pretty great mid-season finale but we have to find some excuse to trim the fat of the team. The Bobbi and Lance interactions are enjoyable, the Fitz Mac friendship is cool, but even if these are engaging there’s one or two characters that basically stand around and look pretty and that’s about it.
The show continues to build to it’s mid-season finale but the journey is getting noticably tiresome.
Constantine continues its string of not terrible but not great episodes with a fun mish mash of old folk talks like the masked woman who asks you if she is pretty before stabbing you to death and your classic dead hitchhiker tales. We are introduced to Jim Corrigan a Louisana cop with an accent all over the place that you can hardly understand him. The bayou accent is always tough to pull off and it’s always frustrating to me when the accent is dropped in and out seemingly on a whim (see: every episode of Sons of Anarchy starring Jax) Jim is intricately tied to The Spectre in the DCU and they hint at it here near the end of the episode.
Papa Midnight comes back from the “Devil’s Vinyl” episode and we find out that one of Papa’s side gigs is letting others speak to their dead loved ones for a price, but since dark magic has been out of control lately his powers end up conjuring the dead spirits back to the physical plane where they end up causing all kinds of havoc.
This time the whole crew is in town because we need to see Chas get killed in brutal fashion. I’m not sure if he’s immortal or cursed or what but it is kind of cool seeing him stick himself back together after run in with nasty ghost. Charles Halford plays gruff and somewhat likable and at this point I’m more interested in his character than “F#$K me eyes” Zed or Constantine.
The most interesting take away here is just the Hellblazer universe itself. I like the idea that there are all these different types of wizard and magicions and excorists ruuning around. Papa Midnight and John Constantine squabbling over who did their end of the spell wrong was pretty great.
We get more hints at some Zed backstory, John and Papa bitching at each other for spells and Chas getting killed over and over again. There’s really not that much to this episode. If the goal of the episode was to introduce Jim Corrigan than maybe it should have involved him more because aside from knowing that he exists and looks green sometimes, he’s rather pointless.
It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t anything great either. But hey! at least we are seeing him smoke.
A surprisingly competent trailer dropped check it out
Agents of SHIELD (1) Previously (3)
Arrow (2) Previously (4)
Constantine (3) Previously (1)
Flash (4) Previously (5)
Gotham (5) Previously (2)