07/12/2010

Movie Review: Predators

Devon and I drove to the theater with our fists pumping as Drowning Pool’s Bodies blasted out of Devon’s Civic, which at that moment in time was anything but civil. Finally, the perfect hunter gets A REMATCH AGAINST MUTHA FUCKIN’ DANNY GLOVER, no, another sequel to show how truly bad-ass insane a Predator is. None of this AvP baloney. Going into the movie, I figured that they went about making it with the concept that Predator was to Alien as Predators was going to be to Aliens…

My face during the end of the movie.

Go figure someone named NIMROD finds a way to BLOW IT. The beginning of the movie is actually quite good and very interesting. Adrian Brody falls out of the fucking sky. Awesome. He comes across a bunch of other mother fuckers who fall out of the sky who also don’t know how they got there. Awesome. You may be asking “Who is who in this Sky Falling All-Star team?” Well, There’s Machete from the Machete Trailer that you will see right before the movie starts. There’s a bad ass SPETSNAZ guy (favorite character btw) with a minigun…

Not Pictured: GIANT BALLS

A MINIGUN 🙂

We also meet Yakuza Joe. Sniper Wolf. Topher. Prison Guy. And Magic African filling in for  Magic Native American. Sure, there is not an Arnold flinging knives and telling fools to “STICK AROUND.” but Adrian Brody does his best grumbling to compensate for this– and his busted ass nose. I like this a lot. Things are pumping on all cylinders now. It’s a lot like Lost meets the original Predator. This is gonna be surprisingly goo…

God fucking dammit.

The movie TANKS tremendously in the GOOD department the minute Cowboy Curtis shows up. Law-Fish deserves a Razzie for this performance. I don’t even think that saying it was phone in was accurate. It was just piss poor. Thankfully, he isn’t in it for too long but they’ve already ruined the pacing from this. The rest of the movie is playing catch-up and fails. When the Predators show up, It usually just takes one of the Adrian Broody Crew(Thanks Galanti for that one) to take care of one of these BAD ASS KILLING MONSTERS.

It's bad enough the Predator costumes in PREDATORS don't look as good as they do in this FAN FILM.

The only one who has trouble killing a Predator… Is another PREDATOR. What the FUCK? Also, Get ready for Nimrod to start getting preachy with lines of dialogue like “…On our planet, We’re the PREDATORS.” and “…On our planet, We’re the PREDATORS.”

Seriously. Titular line. Message. BOTH IN YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE, AUDIENCE.

I also want to yell at the film makers for LYING to the movie goers. If you saw the trailer, you probably remember this clip.

THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE!

Well, in the actual film, it’s only one. As I said there are only 3 Predators in the entire movie, but this makes it look like there are TONS. No, classic Hollywood Fix Job on the Trailer.

Spoiler. Topher Grace’s Character is actually Venom. Well. I wish. His character does a complete 180 and he turns into OBVIOUS BAD GUY. In a movie with PREDATOR(S), There doesn’t need to be a HUMAN ANTAGONIST. Come on, Nimrod!

As the film winds down to it’s climax, They stopped caring and we just start throwing everything out the window. Was that the WORST CGI explosion ever? Yes. Is Adrian Brody The Flash? Yes, apparently. Are Predators’ tough? Nope. Where did all the other alien creatures that the Predators also dropped in the beginning of the movie to hunt as well go? They must have fallen in a PLOT HOLE. HA! This movie just became a SyFy original movie version of the original. They overcomplicated it. The original is simple and MANLY.

Devon's Dream

A bad ass mercenary group goes into the jungle to kick ass. They do. Then they get their ass kicked by a LONE BAD ASS-ER CREATURE. Arnold, THE MOST BAD ASSIEST CREATURE, saves the day though and the Predator NUKES himself. Bad Ass and MEAT-FILLED.

This one squanders this simple concept entirely with all of the previously mentioned problems getting in the way of the focus of this being a good Predator movie. It may be a better successor than Predator 2 but it’s not a good movie. be worse If you have a chance to see it, Just rent the original because this movie is a love letter to the original written by a rapist.

RATING: 4.5 out of 10 Screaming Carl Weathers